The MomSource - Proactive Solutions for Postpartum Families

Staying Active with Kids!

I heard an interview yesterday with Jane Roper, author of  “Double Time“, her memoir about surviving and thriving after the birth her twin daughters.  In the interview she stated that her biggest worry, when she  discovered that she was having twins, was “Is this going to completely take over my life?”  This common concern shows how, while we are excited about becoming parents, sometimes we are aware that HUGE changes are coming, and there is often anxiety about the losses which coincide with these changes.

I remember being worried when we were expecting our daughter that we would not be able to do things we enjoyed together, such as  hiking, camping, and travel.  We were able to continue to do these things by throwing her in the sling, stroller, and a little later, the backpack and bringing her along-to Vermont, New Hampshire, and even to California when she was 13 months-she took her first steps in Yosemite National Park.

Our lives did change dramatically and significantly after her birth.  We were particularly not prepared for the strain on our relationship.   Though we muddled through by getting help and by sheer determination, after weathering those and other storms,  my husband and I feel committed to helping couples prepare for this transformation proactively.  In our mini-retreat offered between Mothers’ Day & Fathers’ Day , couples will strengthen their relationship skills: communication, expressing affection, and conflict resolution.  Proactive planning (before baby)  for getting support and developing family routines will free up energy needed  day-to-day to enjoy your newborn!

With an adequate foundation of a strong relationship, practice of good communication skills and expression of affection, and plenty of planning, couples can enjoy increased intimacy as they grow their families.  And loved activities will be picked up again, sometimes with slight modifications.  When we celebrated our 25th anniversary last week with a trip to California (without kids!), my husband and I saw a couple with babies in backpacks.  I asked to take their photo so I could pass it on to you. There IS life after baby; it’s just different!

Love Your Relationship: Love Your Baby

Many researchers have found that marital satisfaction decreases after the transition to parenthood.  Dr. John Gottman observed that a whopping 67% of couples were unhappy with their relationship after their babies arrived!   The foundation of the family is the parent relationship.  If that partnership suffers, each individual in the family, particularly the baby, suffers. To paraphrase Dr. Gottman, “The best gift parents can give to their babies is a strong relationship with each other“.

With these points in mind, I am so excited about our “mini-retreat” offered in a few short weeks. A condensed version of our full weekend retreat (offered this fall), our “From We to Three Mini-retreat for Expectant Couples” is a great value for local expecting couples who can only devote one day to concentrated practice of essential relationship skills.  During our morning session we will focus on practicing key communication skills, discuss the challenges of the transition to parenthood, how to access important resources, and skills to nourish and deepen your relationship.

After an extended lunch break when couples may walk on the Farmington Valley Greenway, pose for their free digital photo, and get (optional) chair massages, certified doula and massage therapist, Sarah Thayer will teach partners how to help the mothers manage discomfort of labor and delivery with demonstration and practice of hands-on techniques.   We will end the day with further discussion of your family dreams and goals.  Sound great?  Register Today!

  On March 7, I had the pleasure of meeting with postpartum doulas from Birth Partners Doulas and spoke with them about postpartum depression and anxiety.  What a wonderful group of caring and nurturing women! We discussed the multiple contributions to postpartum adjustment challenges, blocks to getting help, and communication techniques that open the door to discuss feelings of all kinds, not just the “good” ones.  I feel so grateful that there are now more resources like these committed women to help families grow with joy! Call if you would like me to talk with your group about how we can better support new families.

I REALLY want to gather a collection of easy recipes for new parents: healthy and easy preparation is critical to decrease stress during that time that you are too tired to think.  On the MomSource Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-MomSource/145887487287?ref=tn_tnmn) I posted a link to a recipe  (delicious white bean and kale soup) in hopes that others would post their favorites; now I am considering a contest to help boost motivation.  What would be a good prize to motivate posts?

Please go to our Facebook page to vote or comment below regarding which (as many as you would want) of the following prizes would motivate you to take the time and post your favorite healthy, quick and easy recipe. The possible prizes are: 1) A gift certificate for “WE time” daily retreat offering practice in nurturing your relationship during your transition to family, birth “comfort measures”  to use in labor, and a photography session for belly or newborn photos. 2) A gift certificate for  “From We to Three”  workshop for expectant/new parents  offering practice in nurturing your relationship while you transform into family. 3) A gift certificate for a MomSource consultation in your home  to determine your needs for support after baby and develop a plan.  4) a gift certificate for a food processor/soup maker to use after baby arrives.  5) a gift certificate for 10 free yoga classes in a West Hartford studio. If you choose more than one motivator, please  let me know which is “the best” by listing it first!  Thanks for your time!

I’ll never forget one of the first mothers I treated for postpartum depression.  Her baby was in the NICU and she had a two year old son at home.  Going back and forth to the hospital, pumping her breast milk to give her baby the best start she could, feeling torn between caring for each of her children while completely depleted herself, she sank into a serious depression.  I believe the severity of her illness was linked to the stress of the premature birth, both the physical demands and the emotional demands of fear for their baby’s very survival.

Much attention is currently being focused upon the importance of carrying babies the full 40 weeks.  Both the March of Dimes and The Association of Women’s Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses (AWHONN) have launched campaigns designed to increase awareness of the benefits of full term infants in contrast to the costs of prematurity.

The March of Dimes has great information on its website (http://marchofdimes.com/mission/prematurity_wpd.html) and the AWHONN’s campaign has 40  fun and serious reasons to give a baby 40 weeks to mature. “Go the Full 40” (http://www.health4mom.org/a/40_reasons_121611) has a downloadable PDF file and points out the increased risks of caesarean surgeries, prematurity, infections and hemorrhage associated with inducing labor.

When babies are born full term, they are healthier and therefore everyone thrives-Baby, Mom, Dad, and siblings! Please help spread the word about how we can do what we can to prevent preterm deliveries.

Support. I find myself obsessing about how I can help new families get the support they need.  Often, there seems to be so many blocks: family distant, either physically or emotionally, one or both parents needing to work long hours to feel securely employed and make ends meet, being new to Connecticut or the community, and  difficulty finding a venue to make connections and develop supportive relationships. And, of course, our busyness– we are all so busy, racing from work to errands, to activity to activity before collapsing before a television to chill.

In addition to these overarching external challenges, frequently  there are internal blockades as well: shyness keeps some isolated from others, independence prevents some from accepting help, and insecurity paralyzes many from moving into the larger world from the “baby bubble”.  Yet, in order to cope with the physical and emotional challenges of moving from a couple to a family; nurturing support from others can be critical!

How can I and others who care for these developing families help?  The first step, I believe, is by learning about the support already available in the community and then, directly referring to it.  Support like the moms social group offered by Nurturing Connections coordinator Jen Vendetti, MSW, and the wonderful baby and toddler parent groups taught by Pat McClarney through Hartford Hospital, and support for the birth process offered by so many childbirth educators and doulas (see archived blogs and Resources for more information about these services).

Through networking and self-education, I have been working on developing a larger “web of support” to catch and hold new families-link by link.  Please let me know what YOU think: what are the challenges new families face in developing a support network? As always, I’m really interested in learning about the resources available to families! Please comment here and let others know what is here right now in our community!

Yesterday morning Andy and I had the pleasure of talking with Rachel Lutzker, on her first day back from maternity leave, and her co-host Erica Arias.  We discussed ways to ease the transition back into work after your baby is born.  I suggested gradually leaving baby with child care providers for increasing periods of times, dropping into work a few times for short periods before returning (part-time if possible for awhile), and developing and communicating a planned routine with your partner and support network.

It was both easier and more difficult being interviewed for almost 5 minutes than I imagined! It was easier because I was more relaxed than I thought I would be in that setting.  It was difficult in that, of course, a five minute conversation can’t begin to address the many dimensions of the issues being discussed.  I really learned first hand that you must be able to state in bullet points the most important things to communicate!  Check out the video:  Interview on CTnow  and let us know how you made it easier to transition to work after your baby was born!

This Wednesday I will have the privilege to speak briefly to a group of parents of infants about nurturing your relationship, sort of a preview of our workshop on February 4th  at Blue Back Square.  Pat McClarney, RN, MSN, CPNP,  is a pediatric nurse practitioner with a marvelous nurturing manner with new parents and has offered this popular class for several years. She leads discussions regarding the importance of touch, play, and reading to your baby, as well as addressing sleep problems and other challenges parents face. This week’s discussion will focus on how you as parents can nurture your relationship together as you grow into the roles of “Mom” and “Dad”.

The MomSource’s mission is to help parents connect with sources of support and groups like this one are so important to provide one more “circle” in the links of a support network.  Can you help in this mission by posting here any local groups which support parents? Any class, group, or circle can be a good fit for someone, if they know about it.  Please help spread the word of what is locally available.

Just before Christmas I met with Jen Vendetti, MSW, the Connections Coordinator for the Nurturing Family Network program at the University of Connecticut Health Center (UCHC).  We discussed the resources available for first-time parents and parents at risk for developing Postpartum Depression (PPD).  Jen explained that the Nurturing Family Network program at UCHC is similar to the program at Hartford Hospital that I shared with you some time ago, yet serves the Farmington Valley and West Hartford Area.

Every first time parent, except those who deliver their babies on weekends, gets a visit in the hospital and invited to use the phone support service.  In this service, trained volunteers call periodically to offer support to new parents. Those who qualify for home visits are usually referred prenatally, and receive periodic home visits to help with the adjustment to parenthood.  This service is especially helpful to teenage Moms and Dads.  In addition, Jen offers a social group open to Moms and Dads and babies less than a year old, called “Moms Morning Out” the first Thursday of each month from 10:00am to 12:00pm at the first floor conference room, 65 Kane Street, in West Hartford.

For more information about this valuable source of support and parents, check out the web page at: http://nurturingfamilies.uchc.edu, or call Jen Vendetti, MSW, at (860) 679-4114

The MomSource’s focus of  helping expectant parents has a new venue!  We are again offering our workshop “From We to Three” , this time to new parents, with an infant less than a year old.  We received requests to offer this to not only expectant parents, but those who already have babies, so we are now making this valuable program available to you as well!  You have told us that you are concerned about spending time together after your baby is born, communicating well with each other, and identifying what kind of family life you want as your family grows.

Since my husband Andy and I have weathered the storms of early parenthood (and are facing the squalls of adolescence) we are looking forward to sharing our thoughts about nourishing your relationship as you grow your family.

Our dream for this workshop is to discuss the joys and challenges of  transforming from a couple to a family and to help you use proven communication skills to begin a dialogue about what kind of family life you want for their future.

We would love to hear more about what you would like to discuss and see addressed. Please take a moment to share what specific concerns you have as you anticipate this transition and/or the supports you wish were in place in the community.

We want this workshop to be really useful to you . . . let us know what you need by commenting on this page.  After you send your comment,  register online for the class at www.harthosp.org/NewsEventsClasses and click on “From We to Three” or call 860.545.1888.  Register soon, because this class is limited to the first 12 couples who register.

Photograh by Christina Houser